Whenever I was facing a struggle or turning point in my life, my Papa would recommend that I “drop back and punt.” I’m not a football person. I’ve never been a football person. But when your team punts, don’t they give the ball to the other team? It always seemed counterintuitive. Even after years of considering, I still can’t say it really makes any sense to me. But that’s always been the overarching idea. When you don’t know where life is taking you, drop back and punt. It doesn’t mean give up, it means take a step back. Take a breath. Reassess. Then move forward.

The entire premise of a new year is a little corny, isn’t it? Stores and online blogs are filled with “new year, new me” nonsense, as if turning a calendar page could really make a difference. But for me, after a shitty 2019, it doesn’t seem quite so banal to really slam the lid shut on the past year. I wouldn’t say I’m joining the “new year, new me” revolution, but I am ready to make some changes this year and moving forward.

Why was 2019 so shitty? There was the usual things – didn’t lose any weight, still working in a job I hate, financial struggles, family issues, etc. Of course, there was the major thing – losing my Papa in July – and the also major things of failing the bar exam twice (times 4 and 5). But there generally seemed to be a cloud of 2019. The second half of the year was just… total garbage. It tends to be that way when you lose someone you love. You’re so wrought with grief that everything seems hopeless and dark. You struggle to breathe, you struggle to think, you struggle to find your footing in a world that’s been shaken up… then you look up and suddenly months have passed by. For me, keeping busy was my way of coping with Papa’s death. Though maybe my level of busy has prevented me from fully coping. That remains to be seen. I seemed unable to find the light, no matter how hard I tried. So why would that change simply because we’ve moved to 2020? Maybe it’s because every time I write a date it’s not a constant reminder that we lost Papa in 2019. Maybe it’s because time heals all wounds and putting time between the event(s) and today make it easier. Maybe it’s all psychological bullshit that means absolutely nothing.

I don’t set New Year’s Resolutions. I try to send some ideas out into the universe for future attainment. But this year I decided to do something a little more concrete. Papa always said, “a failure to plan is a plan to fail.” So here we go with some plans. In no particular order, my plans for 2020:

-take my meds every day. Mental health, blood pressure, and vitamins. Plain and simple.

-eat better. No specific fad diets or anything. Just common sense. More vegetables, more protein, less carbs. But I’m not going to deprive myself of something. There’s an episode of the Golden Girls where Dorothy is talking about a woman she knew who went to Paris. She ordered watercress because she didn’t want to gain weight and she was killed by a gargoyle crossing the street. I don’t want to be that woman. I don’t want to waddle anymore or struggle to fit places, but I also don’t want to die by gargoyle strike in a beautiful city having just eaten rabbit food.

-Write. I’ve been saying I’m going to write for years. Papa always said I’ll publish a book that will change the world. Who knows if that will ever happen, but I know I can’t accomplish the goals until I put pen to paper. I’m launching this blog. I’ve joined a writing group where my goal is to write 700 words a week. I’ve pledged with a friend to start writing the book I’ve always said I’m going to write “one day.”

-Read. I want to be surrounded by stories that captivate me. And even ones that don’t. There are so many worlds out there, fictional, non-fictional, and those in between. I want to see them all. I plan to read 200 books this year. Maybe more.

-Be more politically active. I post a lot of political stuff on Facebook, but I want to actively get involved. I want to send postcards to voters. Work voter registration drives. Something to feel productive as we head into a VERY important election.

I don’t think you can truly stick to a “New Year’s Resolution” or any other goal until you’re really ready to make that change. Kind of like sobriety. It doesn’t matter if you know it’s better for you or going to improve your life or anything like that. If you aren’t READY, no plan or goal in the world will save you. Am I ready to make these changes? I think so. I hope so. I feel ready.

A lot of people have discussed a “word of the year,” some sort of guiding principle for their 2020. I’ve chosen “today” as my word of the year. I’m tired of saying “one day.” One day, I’ll lose the weight. One day, I’ll write the story. One day, I’ll read the book. No more. TODAY I will. I recognize I can’t do it all in a single day. But TODAY, I will start. TODAY I have a plan. TODAY feels better than yesterday.

“No day but today…” -RENT